{"id":44,"date":"2016-01-27T17:37:11","date_gmt":"2016-01-27T17:37:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/?p=44"},"modified":"2016-01-27T17:37:31","modified_gmt":"2016-01-27T17:37:31","slug":"how-a-lousy-rat-bastard-became-a-positive-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/?p=44","title":{"rendered":"How a lousy rat bastard became a positive person"},"content":{"rendered":"

A bit of background:<\/p>\n

I was a single father, and while my marriage only lasted 2 years, the custody battle lasted three, and thought I \u201clost\u201d, within six months, my X had asked if I would take over raising my son, as she couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 He would live with her for a year or so, sometimes, and then move back in with me for 2 \u2013 3 years, and so on.\u00a0 With that and working two jobs, I was a pretty bitter and cynical guy.\u00a0 It was so bad that at one job, my co-workers replaced my cubicle name tag with \u201cMr. Bad Example\u201d from my favorite Warren Zevon song at the time.<\/p>\n

There came a time when I met a woman and we started a relationship. I hadn\u2019t been in a relationship in over a decade and didn\u2019t want to mess it up, since I didn\u2019t know if I had the skills to be in one, so I asked one of my co-workers at the group home.<\/p>\n

She said I needed to practice unconditional love.\u00a0 I said that I do and she said that I may THINK I do, but I don\u2019t.\u00a0 I had said that I would end things if the woman I was dating did this or did that, and that was putting conditions on things.\u00a0 I had to REALLY give that up if I meant what I said and just accept her as she was and support her changing, as we ALL change.<\/p>\n

And I committed to that.\u00a0 I read up on things to help myself be calmer, to understand interpersonal stuff and to build a positive mental attitude.\u00a0 I used to make fun of the whole idea of a positive mental attitude, but as I committed to the idea, I found that I liked it.<\/p>\n

The relationship ended, as relationships tend to do.<\/p>\n

But I kept the idea of positive mental attitude and unconditional love in my head and kept working on it.\u00a0 As I did, my job changed and I became the director of a juvenile justice group home.\u00a0\u00a0 I explored changing EVERYTHING about it from my new perspective and found models we could use to move from a punishment based-dynamic for the teenagers who were there to a growth based dynamic.\u00a0 I treated my staff with the idea of Assuming Positive Intent: \u00a0Start from the idea that people are doing things for a positive reason and go from there.<\/p>\n

For example:\u00a0 I would drop in at random times at the group home, partly to keep the residents thinking I could be in at any time and partly to see the dynamic of the house during times I wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 One of the guidelines we had was that we did not take the residents on activities until chores were done.\u00a0 I came in one night and no one was in the house.\u00a0 Supper was still on the table, no chores done, nothing.\u00a0 Rather than \u201cWhy did they do this!!??\u201d I assumed that there positive intent behind what was done, and put away the meal, cleaned up the table and as I did, the van showed up, and everyone got out\u2026and one of the clients was in a cast.\u00a0 He\u2019d broken his ankle, and the staff had to take everyone to the ER.<\/p>\n

So, if you simply assume people do things for a positive reason, it changes how you see the world. Walk away from your first instinct being that people are out to get you.<\/p>\n

My son had a rough time after high school.\u00a0 He was angry that he didn\u2019t go to college with his friends (he blew off all of the deadlines and wasn\u2019t a very good student) and began to abuse drugs, be destructive to my life and the house, and generally became a horrible person.\u00a0 I set some final red lines around his behavior and he took off for a year\u2026and when he came home, hat in hand, and asked if he could stay while he looked for a job, I asked if he was clean and sober.\u00a0 He said he was and his new job would be testing him\u2026and he lived with me for a year, got on his feet, then needed to come back for a year\u2026and it was raw unconditional love that made it possible for me to make it through that.<\/p>\n

The woman I dated came back into my life, and apologized for the things she had done, and by this point, I was a different person.\u00a0 I was wary, as she tends to not just burn bridges, but to douse them with napalm and dance while they burn, but forgiveness isn\u2019t ABOUT the other person.\u00a0 It\u2019s about letting go of the hurt they caused you.\u00a0 A few years later, she did it again, and I didn\u2019t fight or get mad, just accepted that was who she was and loved her anyway, hoping things would be well for her.\u00a0 And then about two years ago, she came back AGAIN, and again felt horrible about what she\u2019d done to burn the bridge, and I explained to her that when I said unconditional love, I meant it.\u00a0 I keep the circle of people I give that to tight, but when I do give it, I give up thinking about consequences because I know it\u2019s the right choice.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s why I laugh when she calls me \u201cGoody Two Shoes\u201d all the time, when my nickname when she met me was \u201cLousy Rat Bastard\u201d.\u00a0 And when she apologizes for the things she\u2019s done, I remind her of what the term Unconditional love means.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying she changed me.\u00a0 I\u2019m saying that she was the catalyst for a change that I needed to make.\u00a0 My time running a group home changed me.\u00a0 My last 5 years working with developmentally disabled adults taught me SO much about kindness, patience and positivity and also changed me. The last three women I have dated have all told me that I am a Good Man and that they admired how I treat other people.<\/p>\n

It is a learned skill. I don\u2019t believe people are good or evil, but I do believe we end up being selfish, left to our own devices. Being a positive person is hard work and a skill most of us aren\u2019t born with. But, I made the change<\/p>\n

And you can make it too.\u00a0 Fake it until you make it is perfectly valid.\u00a0 People were telling me that I was a calm person before I felt like I was a calm person.\u00a0 Find what works for you, but the biggest change you can make is your own attitude.\u00a0 You make the weather of your day. If you wake up unhappy, you\u2019ll be unhappy.\u00a0 Wake up and remember that you woke up today, so it\u2019s a good day. Actively look for the good things of you day. Take time to enjoy every sandwich.\u00a0 Do that and you\u2019ve started down the path.<\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t easy.\u00a0 I am NOT a naturally positive person.\u00a0 I have dysthymia which tends to make me think setbacks are worse than they really are, but I make the weather for my day.<\/p>\n\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A bit of background: I was a single father, and while my marriage only lasted 2 years, the custody battle lasted three, and thought I \u201clost\u201d, within six months, my X had asked if I would take over raising my son, as she couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 He would live with her for a year or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=44"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions\/46"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=44"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=44"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.solitairerose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=44"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}