Agent of Change

New Year’s Eve Stories

I have had two very memorable New Year’s Eves in the last few years.  The first was when I was dating a woman whose birthday was 12/31, and I was being laid off from my job that day.  My coworkers held a “good bye” happy hour, because we used every excuse to throw a happy hour, and it was back when I would get drunk, so we had a lot of fun. 

The future XGF and I got good and sloshed and headed back to her place.  As midnight drew close, we were…um….doing what you do to celebrate, especially if you are drunk.  She said, “Hold on, I need to get something,” and left the bedroom.

After five minutes, I called out, asking if everything was ok.  Got no reply.

Got dressed and went out to look around the apartment and she was gone.

Figured that maybe she forgot something in the car or whatever and turned on the TV to wait.

And wait.

At 15 minutes, I realized that if I left, I’d be leaving her apartment unlocked, and while it wasnt’ a terrible apartment building, it wasn’t exactly a great one.

So, I waited.

And waited.

And after an hour, she came back.  I asked where she’d gone, and she said, “I wanted to get some weed.”

“It took an hour?”

“They wanted me to smoke up with them.”

I took this as my cue to leave.

A couple of weeks later, she asked to get coffee, and me being a forgiving sort, I agreed, wondering if it was just a situation where she’d gotten too high to remember to come back, she had other issues going on, etc.  We met at a coffee place, and started talking and she talked around the issue.  When I finally asked why she left FOR AN HOUR on New Year’s Eve, her reply was “You know how much I love weed!”

My reply was, “I think we’re done here.”

Someone overheard it and posted it on a “Overheard in Minneapolis” website.

THE NEXT YEAR I was dating a woman who didn’t like watching old movies.  In fact, when we would have movie nights, she said, “No movies made before 2000.”  Fine, I guess…you know, the things we do for love and all.  New Year’s Eve, we are both pretty exhausted as we worked at the same group home, and she had three kids, so we just wanted a quiet night.  I made dinner, she rented movies and we settled in to watch them…and by 10 pm, she was asleep on my lap.

And the movie she’d chosen was “Eat, Love, Pray” which is one of the most cloying, clichéd things I had seen in ages, while TCM was having a Marx Brothers marathon.  The remove was ALMOST out of reach, so I very quietly and moving slowly so as not to wake her up, got the remote, turned off the DVD and turned on Animal Crackers.  At 10:30, Duck Soup, the greatest comedy in history began, and I watched it with a clenched jaw making sure I didn’t laugh out loud and wake her up. 

Do you have any idea how hard it is NOT to laugh at Duck Soup?

The move ended around midnight, and she started to stir, so I quickly changed the channel to something I knew she’d want to watch, and when she woke up, she what I did while she was sleeping…and I said I was letter her get some rest.

Not that I took advantage of her being asleep to watch a movie from the 1930’s that I knew she wouldn’t let me watch.

I have other New Year’s Eve stories, but I think those two are the most recent.

I know in my brain that I can’t change what people think of me. I know in my brain that I need to stop beating myself up over other people’s opinion of me. I know I can’t change the actions I may have done or not done in the past that have hurt people. I know that I am chasing an ideal of what I want to be that5 is unattainable. I know that this way lies madness.

But the times when I didn’t outweigh the ones where I did in my heart. My marriage falling apart. My son at 19 telling me that I made him into someone who can’t handle life. A friend of 17 years saying that it was all bullshit. So many women telling me that I’m just not good enough. The jobs that let me go. The shitty house that still has a leaky roof after $400 spent to fix it. They all speak to me just as loudly as the times when people tell me I am a good person who is kind, thoughtful and caring.

I wonder if everyone goes through this. I have no idea, honestly, because other people seem as if they are functioning at a higher level than me.

That One Thing

In 1999, I realized I had spent too much of my life chasing things.

• If I could get a better job, I wouldn’t worry so much
• If things were more stable, I wouldn’t be so upset
• If I had a relationship, I wouldn’t be so lonely
• If I had more time, I’d be more relaxed
• Once my son moves out on his own, I’ll start to do this or that
• Once I decide what to do about my relationship, I’ll be happier
• I’ll work on my novel when I’ve got more time
• I’ll love this person once they get their shit under control

Then, after a time, I realized my thought patterns went against what I was teaching the staff at the group homes I worked at in order to enjoy their job and do it properly.

I learned very early on that there would always be “That kid.” You know, the one that is the problem in the house. The one who takes all of the staff attention. The one who that staff say “If we’d just kick him out, thing would run smoothly.” I was in that mindset when I started in Juvenile Justice as well and ti took a few years before I realized:

There’s always That Kid. Once you kick out That Kid, another one slides into the role.

So, I taught people to find something about that kid that you liked. Something that made them someone you could deal with because if you don’t find SOMETHING to like about the client, you won’t be doing them any good and your shifts will be unbearable.

It’s the same in your life. One problem gets in the way of what you think will be your perfect life, but once your resolve that problem, another one slides in. And if you don’t find something to like about your life, you won’t be doing yourself any good and your life will be unbearable.

That’s why you have to decide to live the life you want despite the issues. Get the help for your issues instead of thinking a circumstance will fix it. Reach out to your support network for the love and strength you need now, now when it’s “calmed down” a bit. Love unconditionally NOW instead of waiting for the other person to make some sort of change. When you learn to enjoy where you are in the moment, the problems you face will shrink and your enjoyment of life will grow.

Much love to friends old and new, and I hope that you decide to live the life you want despite That One Thing.

Simple Gift

One of the simplest things in the world you can do to empower the people in your life is to believe in them. Take on their dreams as YOUR dreams, their hopes as YOUR hopes and work to always see them as their best selves. It’s nearly impossible for us to know how others see us, so every so often, tell your friends and family how they inspire you, how you admire them, and how much you see their successes.

Do it even if they brush it off, downplay it or say they don’t believe it…they need the encouragement, and it costs you nothing to give it. Even if they bash you for it much later, you know that you spoke from your heart and gave them your honest assessment.

Much love to friends old and new, and know that if you are reading this, I think you are amazing and have done great things…but you’ll be doing greater things in the days to come.

Be Aggressive, Be Be Agressive

“You need to be aggressive in order to be successful! If you aren’t fighting, you’re losing!” – Business e-mail I received today.

I was not aggressive when I worked in juvenile justice and I was able to stay in that field for 20 years. I worked with literally hundreds of teenage boys and assisted many in putting their lives back together and getting the skills they needed to make it on their own.

I was not aggressive when I raised my son on my own and helped him become a kind, tolerant human being who sees everyone as having worth.

I was not aggressive when I was in relationships and worked hard on being someone who treated my partner with respect and kindness while being as loving and attentive as I was capable of being.

I am not aggressive with my friends, and do what I can to be there for them, to listen to them when they needed an ear, assist when they needed help, and enjoy their company when we are together.

I am not aggressive with my podcast, writing or other creative ventures and do everything in my power to help other people build their audience if I can.

Not everyone is made to be aggressive. I’m not in sales, and I learned in a single afternoon in a outgoing call center that I am NOT aggressive when it comes to selling things. I’m not aggressive toward other people because I believe that if someone has to be “won over” they won’t stick with you for long. I’m not aggressive in my beliefs because I no longer feel the need to win anyone over to my way to thinking, we ALL have our own way of thinking and that’s beautiful.

It’s fine if you are aggressive as long as you aren’t a jerk about it. But the whole “everything is competition” grows more and more hollow to me the more I realize that together we build things and in competition we destroy each other.

If that’s losing, then I’m OK with it.

Thought for today after a rough workweek

“Cory!!, such and such person was terrible to you, will you let them back in your life? Don’t you HATE them?”

“You hate me, don’t you?”

“How can you forgive them? They are terrible!”

“Please don’t hate me! Please?!?”

“I’m so sorry. I understand if you don’t ever want to talk to me again.”

“How do you even still talk to that person, they are such a jerkl!”

“Come on, you can’t forgive EVERYONE in your life, can you?”

So. People do shitty things to each other. Does that mean they are terrible human beings? No. Sorry, I don’t believe in the “some people are good and some are bad” unless we get to the extremes, serious sociopathy, child abuse and the like. For normal, everyday shittiness, I have a much different mindset. It’s hard to get past the hurt of their vitriol, but when you place yourself in a mindset of forgiveness and empathy, you can move from target to observer.

It’s hard, but you have to remember that it’s Not About You.

In a healthy relationship of any kind, mistakes are just that, mistakes. People discuss them, work through the feelings and move forward. When someone is toxic, they see the mistake as an attack and as such, need to pass judgement and impose punishment. It can be from verbal attacks to withdrawal of contact (remember that physical abuse is beyond the line and you are dealing with someone who needs to be removed from your life immediately), but it’s not about you and you shouldn’t take anything personally.

The only reason these have hurt us is because somewhere deep inside they are hurting themselves. Something has happened to them that has hurt them, and they are lashing out, much like how, when an animal is caught in a trap, they will attack anything that comes near them, even if that other animal is trying to help.

They have been cruel, derogatory and rip apart anything positive you have done for them because they are not well. However outwardly confident they may look, however happy and active they may appear, their actions are all the evidence we need that they cannot, in truth, be in a good place. It’s the old rule of going by what people DO rather than what they SAY.

When you don’t take anything personally, you can observe their behaviors, understand why they are doing what they do and act accordingly. It may be to explain how you will change your behavior. It may be to simply listen and let them get the poison out. It may, sadly, have to be that you disengage until they are willing to interact without attacking.

In the end, it’s not about you. It’s about them. And because of that, you forgive them and love them despite the pain they have gone through.

Much love to friends old and new, and I hope that those who have hurt you are able to heal, that you are able to heal and you live in unconditional love and forgiveness.

Seeking Attention

I saw it again today, and just want to make a note of it. Someone posted something on Facebook (Oooooo, be more vague, Cory!!) and a “friend” replied “You’re just seeking attention.”

Well….yeah. That’s why you post things. That’s why you share pictures of what you are doing, statuses of your thoughts, a funny joke you saw, something you think is clever, a project you’re in the middle of, something you completed and want people to know about, party invitations, selfies, and so on.

So. What?

I WANT to know these things. It’s why I follow you on social media. If someone is proud, or lonely, or sad, or giddy or isolated, what is wrong with giving them attention? We all want to know that someone out there cares about us and wants us to do well. I think that once you get past the basic needs of shelter and safety, we want to know that someone out there loves us. Isolation drives depression, and there is nothing wrong with being a Who on Horton’s dandelion, shouting out “We are here!” hoping that we connect with someone. That they like what we have to say, they think our picture captures us at our best or simply that we have companionship.

So seek attention. Tell me what you think. Share your life. You matter and you are enough and I am glad to see it, even if it’s a statement I disagree with.

Much love to friends old and new, and if you need attention, I have an unlimited amount to give.